Horrorscope

I never read the horoscope. I sometimes catch a glimpse of it, but I never really actively look at it. Basically because I have proof that it is all a load of twaddle. You see every time I do catch a glimpse of it, and something good is promised it fails to materialize.
Take for example Friday. I was reading the newspaper, and the Horoscope was on the same page as a story about Bob Dylan which I was interested in. So I glanced across. I didn't read the whole thing mind, just the first few lines.

"Cancer: You should stop looking on the negative side of things. Events this weekend will show that you negative view will be proved wrong."

Right Oh! I thought something good will finally happen this weekend. Things will start going my way instead of against me as always.
Has it happened, has it buggery. This weekend has been a wash out. I might as well have gone to bed Friday evening and not bothered to get up again till Monday morning. As usual things have been a struggle.
From now on if I see the horoscope I'll just rip it out of the paper and burn it.

Whitfield Scott

No not the singer from Ugly Kid Joe, Life of Agony and Medication. That was Whitfield Crane. But the team who made us all chortle right through the eighty's. Terry and June. It's hard to realize now but at the height of there popularity over one quarter of the British population tuned in to see Terry and June. Laughing at there antics and trying to work out in which way Terry would be humiliated by June. However inadvertently.
The reason for the sudden recollection is that the chaotic pair have turned up on UKDrama. You know it isn't as bad as I remember. In fact some of the episodes are actually quite good. Although somewhat dated. It also holds a special place in my heart as my first experience of the Theatre was being taken to Saddlers Wells to see the Xmas play. 'The Wind in the Willows' which featured Terry Scott as Mr Toad. A role in which he was perfect in. I was actually amazed that he was a real person. I didn't think TV people were.
One thing about Terry and June that I don't like, well I like but have come to dislike, is the theme. It's a great little tune. But it has a habit of sticking in your head. All day, every day.
If you have UKDrama check out Terry and June, and remember one of the better things from the 1980's.

The girl with no eyes

A short short story.

"Tell me about these dreams?"

"It's dark outside. I'm sitting on a bed. I'm not sleeping, the bed is unmade. It's just a mattress on a frame. I'm sitting looking at a computer. I have a chat programme open, and a web cam. I'm talking about decorating. I'm pissed off sitting on an old bed to use the computer. I'm going to get rid of the bed, and repaint the room. What about the posters? I'm asked. I'll keep them. I look round. There are two posters on the wall. One is of a woman in a tight top and shorts, but it isn't a woman. It's a painting, no not a painting. She isn't real. I look at her, I recognize her. It's Lara Croft. There is another poster. A woman dressed in leather she has short blond hair. Her head is in the wrong place. She is holding it. I look at her eyes. She has none. I look back at the screen. It's flashing. Do you wish to receive web cam? I click on okay. At first the image of the web cam is fuzzy I can't make it out. Then it clears. It is the woman. The woman with know eyes. The speakers crackle and spit then I hear a voice. It's a terrible voice like something out of a horror movie.

"you are mine forever."

It's then I wake up."

"Doctor?"

"You are mine forever"

Zadie Smith

I've never liked Zadie Smith much. Her books are crap. The story's paper thin and the writing style, the so called perfect prose, always reads to me as being Word Perfect Prose. It always seems to have gone through one too many of Mr Gates editing tools. Then if anyone dares to criticize her work she plays the race card. The fact is she had a lot more comfortable ride through life than many white male writers. She should just stand up and take the criticism on the chin.
But finally she has come out with something I like. No not her new novel 'On Beauty', which is just a rehash of the other two. But in an interview in New York she said the unthinkable. She called England, and London especially Vulgar. The main statement that is causing upset in the line "It's the way people look at each other on the train; just general stupidity, madness, vulgarity, stupid TV shows, aspirational arseholes, money everywhere." Yes Zadie that is London down to a tea.
The thing is it never used to be this way. Or did it. I can remember the tube being more friendly, not that long ago. Of course since then Ken has taken charge and slashed the service to save money (under guise of cutting emissions) so now the District line at least is always packed full. Yes there are too many reality TV shows, and more and more people trying to act like they are on 'Big Brother'. The place is full of arseholes trying to convince you that they are important, when in fact they are not. But money everywhere. Well to a point. There is money, it's just not where people who need it can get it. The rich are getting richer and the poor poorer.
Another quote: "When I talk about England now I just think of the England that I loved and it's gone. It's just a disgusting place. It's terrifying. Maybe I'm just getting old." Again I agree with her. What happened to the England where people held open doors, where people were polite and where you could walk down the street with out having to mentally prepare yourself for facing off with a Chav. In the last two or three years society has gone to the dogs. It's actually partly the fault of Zadie's generation. She's a couple of years younger than me, which is the start of the last baby boom. You see when I was at school we had smallish classes, and we were taught respect and discipline. By the time I left school the class sizes had risen, and the school was overflowing. These younger kids had no respect, and were not taught it. There were just too many of them, at the same time the then Conservative Government under John Major cut school funding. Essentially we now have a generation of 20 something's who don't have a clue about how to live in society. They never had to.
The thing is the stereotype is that we Brits are all politeness while the Americans are brash. It's not the case anymore, as anyone who has been the US will tell you. Americans are extremely polite, far more so than the British have been in my life time. The average American is honest, friendly and pleasant. The average Briton is angry, boorish and unpleasant.
Hopefully Zadie's words will start a backlash against Chav culture, and we might see things reversed. As they were in LA during the 1990's. Although there the catalyst was the riots.

More bondness

With all the Brew haha about who will and who won't be the next James Bond. I thought I would look at another aspect of the Bond phenomenon. The career ending theme song.
Back in the early day's bond themes were usually sung by Shirley Bassey and were written and produced in house by Cubby Brockley's composer of choice. To sing the theme for a Bond was neither a good thing or a bad thing. Although Tom Jones claimed it harmed his sales. But especially in the post Roger Moore era recording a Bond theme has been a career stopper. With the Brosnan era artist's fearing even worse than others.
a-ha recorded the theme for 'The Living Daylights' and quickly imploded, although they since had a moderately successful comeback with Jason Donavan on the Yates Wine Lodge circuit. The follow up's 'Licence to Kill' and 'Goldeneye' were both performed by older singers, Gladis Knight and Tina Turner respectively who both retired not long after. Then came 'Tomorrow Never Dies' performed by Sheryl Crow. Her last hit sing, her two follow up albums failed to get very fay and she retired after a 'Greatest Hit's', now best known for being the girlfriend of Lance Armstrong. Garbage were riding high after 1998's album '2.0' only to record perhaps the best ever Bond theme with a stunning non Bond video. The band then released a hash of an album, split got back together and have really lost there way.
There was a trend beginning and Destiny's Child didn't want anything to do with it. When Bond came knocking they said no. Instead Madonna was persuaded to record the theme for 'Die Another Day'. Surely the Queen of Pop would not fall foul of the curse. But she did, her follow up single was her first since 1980 not to trouble the top 40, her tour was down on numbers and is she another one about to retire?

So who will record the theme for the new Bond yawnfest 'Casino Royal' Eminem has been mentioned, as has Beyonce Knowles. Maybe they should go back to the classics, and bring Burley Chassie, I'm sorry Shirley Bassey back.
As to why we need another Bond film, let alone a remake of a perfectly good adaptation I don't know.

Set your VCR's and RDVD's

Tonight at 19:30hrs on Paramount Comedy in the UK there is a historic piece of TV. The Pilot episode of 'Seinfeld'. The best US comedy of the `90's. There are a few differences in this show. The main one being that Kramer is called Kessler and there is no Elaine. In fact this rare gem of an episode was not shown for so long that Julia Louis-Dreyfus who played Elaine didn't know it existed until the DVD reissues in 2001.
Originally this show was to have been a 90 min documentary fill about how comics get there jokes, filling in for 'Saturday Night Live'. It developed into t a half hour sit com style piece, then into a series 'The Seinfeld Chronicles' later just 'Seinfeld'. Jerry didn't want to do a series, we're all glad that he did.
So settle in this evening and watch some TV history.

Last of the summer rock?

Music stars in TV shows sometimes work, but most of the time they don't. There was a whole parade of washed up rockers in 'Friends'. Not that I ever watched 'Friends' but you don't often get the same cross over in the UK. The most notable appearance of a pop star on the small screen was when Morrissey appeared in 'Brookside' way back in the late 1980's.
Not long after this there was a sketch on 'French and Saunders' that featured Raw Sex (F&S's House band) in a court case over how music is written. About a dozen prominent musician made cameos including Motörhead front man Lemmy. Not the first time Lemmy had been in a comedy show. Motörhead played in the 'Young Ones' bathroom, across the channel he once heckled Jerry Seinfeld. But now it seems that Lemmy want's to once more appear on British TV in a sit com. According to today's 'Independent' his favourite TV show is 'Last of the Summer Wine'. He can't get enough of the show, and would like to appear as an old friend of Clegg's. The thing is that Lemmy is a few years too late. Back when the show first started he would have fit right in, then as the three old gents pootled about they all three chain smoked. That all stopped around the time Michael Bates' character Cyril Blamire was replaced by Brian Wilde's Foggy Dewherst in 1975. At the same time the show moved pre watershed and lost some of it's edge to become the fuzzy Sunday night fare we have had to put up with ever since. UK Gold showed the early episodes a few years back, but probably never will again. WHich is a shame as they are much better than the later ones, and of course far superior to the late `80's era when Seymour Utterthwaite played by Michael Aldridge replaced Foggy.
Quite what the villagers who have already been kicking up a fuss this year about the filming would make of Lemmy could be interesting. Perhaps the BBC could use him to scare the residents of Holm Firth into submission, and make them put up with the hassle of filming.